How can I love something that has made me feel this way?

It doesn’t seem fair, to tie me to you in this way

I love you more than I can say

But you hurt me over and over and over again

And for that

I hate you more than I can say

What now?

Where too with this reluctant love I have for you?

I loathe it, but it will never die

I will never give up on you

Or me

It hurts me so much, this love

I can’t remember what good love feels like

In fact, I don’t know what it feels like

I feel cold, brittle and icy, thorns in my sides

Your love is like warm water on me, melting away the ice and the cold and brittle

Where has it come from?

It wasn’t there like this before

I am so confused

I feel like I have been conned

I lived my life blindfolded and deafened and now I see and hear and it is not at all what I expected

I feel warmth now

A warmth that I never felt before, an understanding

Beneath the hatred and the anger lie love, compassion and forgiveness

It’s trying to get out from underneath the layers of pain

Hatred is pain

Anger is pain

Both are easy in their ways, only black, not white

The love is colours, all colours and they want to get out and be used to heal the black pain

Help me heal, I don’t want to be angry anymore, I want to love

I want to feel love, compassion and forgiveness

That is who I am and who I always will be

The black box in my chest is nearly empty now

The darkness is dust

Dust in my memory

I’ve stepped into it, I’ve felt it, I’ve stayed with it as long as I can bear to grow strong

I love you

I heal your pain with my love, please feel it, use it and grow from it

Please do not hurt me anymore

I am like you, because you made me that way

Such love and such pain at once

I want peace with this


I want to feel both and be free


© toomanyfeelings


One thought on “Love

  1. Yes, I yearn to be free. I open my heart, inhale, spread both arms wide open. then I exhale, close my arms over my chest in my womb position, feeling safe, secure and loved. i keep repeating until my arms are tired. When I open my heart, I have no fear, but love, a love that arises from pain, confusion, and mind-induced suffering. love and hugs, sue

    Liked by 1 person

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