Pain

I am the one who suffers

I am the one who bears the burden of this place

I carry it, alone, so heavy

No one knows the weight

I drag it with me everywhere I go

Everywhere

I hide this pain from everyone

Like a face behind the mask, I scream

I have screamed every day for my entire life

No one listened

Because it was silent

That screaming is still there, it won’t go away

 

© toomanyfeelings

Love

How can I love something that has made me feel this way?

It doesn’t seem fair, to tie me to you in this way

I love you more than I can say

But you hurt me over and over and over again

And for that

I hate you more than I can say

What now?

Where too with this reluctant love I have for you?

I loathe it, but it will never die

I will never give up on you

Or me

It hurts me so much, this love

I can’t remember what good love feels like

In fact, I don’t know what it feels like

I feel cold, brittle and icy, thorns in my sides

Your love is like warm water on me, melting away the ice and the cold and brittle

Where has it come from?

It wasn’t there like this before

I am so confused

I feel like I have been conned

I lived my life blindfolded and deafened and now I see and hear and it is not at all what I expected

I feel warmth now

A warmth that I never felt before, an understanding

Beneath the hatred and the anger lie love, compassion and forgiveness

It’s trying to get out from underneath the layers of pain

Hatred is pain

Anger is pain

Both are easy in their ways, only black, not white

The love is colours, all colours and they want to get out and be used to heal the black pain

Help me heal, I don’t want to be angry anymore, I want to love

I want to feel love, compassion and forgiveness

That is who I am and who I always will be

The black box in my chest is nearly empty now

The darkness is dust

Dust in my memory

I’ve stepped into it, I’ve felt it, I’ve stayed with it as long as I can bear to grow strong

I love you

I heal your pain with my love, please feel it, use it and grow from it

Please do not hurt me anymore

I am like you, because you made me that way

Such love and such pain at once

I want peace with this

Solace

I want to feel both and be free

 

© toomanyfeelings

The Dark

The dark is safe

It is quiet

No one can see me

I can sit in my quiet pain with no shame

My chest hurts

Weight pressing down on my heart

I can’t breathe properly

Fast, tight, heavy

What is happening to me

I can’t feel anything but everything

I can’t feel one thing but all things

All I see is darkness

Pain

Screaming

There is screaming in my head but I can’t bring myself to scream

I want to disappear

My eyes hurt

My head hurts

My mouth is dry

I don’t want to move

I am so afraid

Feelings, can they kill you?

I want the feelings to wash over me so I know nothing but them

It is the only way I feel relief

But

I can’t

The hot tears are welling up behind my eyes

I don’t know why I want to cry, for everything and nothing

For me and for no one

For all the suffering I put in that black box in my chest

I still can’t cry

I want to

I can feel the pressure and I want to release it but I don’t know how

Just someone tell me how please it’s unbearable

I just want to be free I don’t know who you are or what this is but I just want to die

Everything is black

Everything hurts

No one can save me

I am damaged

I will never work

I just need to get through

I just need to let it sit inside me

The dark

Until it has had its fill of me

Just take me, do what you want with me, I don’t want to fight you anymore.

 

© toomanyfeelings

Die To Survive

A helpless child

Just wants to take the pain away

She doesn’t understand

When she sees her mother cry and scream

That it is nothing she has done

 

She tries to comfort

She tries to support

She tries to be a husband, mother, father, friend

To her own mother

She can’t

 

She can’t fix it

She can’t fix any of it

It’s all broken

And it’s not her fault

But she thinks it is

 

So much pain

So much loss

So much emptiness

So much loneliness

No one to comfort her

 

An empty home

No love, no care, no trust, no respect

Just pain, loss and sadness

No answers

Only never ending torment

 

Barbed wire around her heart

Crushing and ripping whatever goodness there was so it doesn’t work anymore

No hope

No way out

So reliant on those she cannot trust

 

She has to survive

She becomes mother, father, husband, wife, friend

She never becomes herself

She dies

She dies to survive

 

© toomanyfeelings