Learn To Let Life Unfold

Meditating by the sea

Life seems to have this ability to give you exactly what you need at the right time, if you are able to stop trying to control things, and just let life unfold. I am learning this on a daily basis, and have been since I arrived in New Zealand nearly five months ago. It’s the reason I came out here; to experience life at it’s most raw, basic and invigorating.

I wanted to strip myself of all the comforts of my home life, such as my family, friends, job, home and culture, and whilst I haven’t quite had the courage to go to a country where I don’t speak the language, this has still been a test of my courage and will power.

Since I arrived, I have met people from all walks of life, and watched how I interacted with these people, trying to observe the feelings, thoughts and emotions that came up for me. The thing I noticed the most was my inability to hold on to myself when in the presence of certain people; I always knew that I was a chameleon, I just didn’t realise sometimes it can be to my detriment.

Having come to a new country, where I knew no one and only had my belongings with me, I had no choice but to get out of my introverted shell and talk to people. Unfortunately, my insecurity and need for connection overwhelmed my voice of sanity, and I wound up clinging on to people who were not the best for me, and fit in with my codependency patterns.

Old Habits Die Hard

I was pretty shocked and disappointed in myself that I allowed this to happen, and saddened that once again, I could not help these people find peace. I cut the ties and moved on, with more ease than I expected, and began to place the fear to one side while I cleared some space in my mind for my inner voice to be heard.

I physically had to remind myself why I came here by standing in front of the mirror and telling myself that I would be ok, that I came out here to explore the world and allow life to just take over for a change. I saw myself cling to people, situations and things, and each time I had to remind myself that I didn’t need any of them, that I had all I needed – me.

It’s upsetting to start fresh somewhere and realise that the things you thought were the faults of others are actually the result of your own self-sabotaging actions. It’s also the place where the most reflection and personal growth can occur, and the place where life can become the most breathtaking.

Change Starts With You

I am learning to take a long look in the mirror when I feel myself reacting to others, because really, if you are in a good and stable place in your own life, the actions and words of others can’t really affect you. That is something that I carry around with me every day, and ask myself constantly; “what is this bringing up for you?”.

There are a number of people at my job and in my social life that I really struggle to find a connection with, and yet these people are drawn to me and I to them for some unknown reason. I find myself wanting to understand them, to find a way into their world and to help them find the freedom and happiness that I am finding, but I can’t find a way.

I then come up against an internal wall, and that age-old message of ‘you’re no good’, which stems from the inability to help my mum while I was growing up, rears it’s ugly head. I feel like a failure, this innate belief that my sole purpose in life is to make this person reach their full potential…but I can’t do it, and this therefore means that I am no good.

It’s such a detrimental message, and one that I find creeps up on me like a ninja, sending me subliminal messages about my incompetency as a human being. Before I know it, I am the biggest pile of crap that walks the earth, and I hate the very people that I wanted to help because they have made me feel this way.

The hard truth is that I am just not that powerful or important, and their problems are not mine to fix. I need to put that abundance of energy into myself and cultivate the healthy and nourishing relationships in my life, rather than finding my worth in the success of ‘fixing’ the lives of others.

It seems silly that I have had to come halfway across the world to find this out about myself, but it’s been one of the most useful exercises I have experienced as it has shown me how deeply embedded these habits and beliefs are. I am seeing my pattern of behaviour in all it’s glory, but the amazing thing is that I have the choice to change it, which so many other people do not have.

Be Kind To Yourself

I therefore remind myself that this pattern is going to keep on recurring, and that I must not make things worse by judging myself for falling into it each time. Instead I must simply be aware, and just observe my corresponding thoughts and feelings when I do finally notice it. I have to stop trying to control everything and just allow life to unfold.

It’s tough catching those fleeting thoughts and feelings that arise during interactions with others, and it’s impossible to stay on top of them all at once, so I just have to be patient and trust that it will get easier as time goes on. These people with their problems are not mine to fix, and I know first hand how excruciatingly difficult it is to acknowledge ones own problems, let alone try to resolve them.

This leaves me with a constant conundrum of how I should fill my time, where I should focus my energy and whether or not I need to realign my direction in life. This should of course be an exciting venture, and it is when I feel good, but when I am in the place of anxious uncertainty, it looms over me like a demon telling me I am wasting my life.

Keeping myself on the path of authenticity is no easy feat, but it is without a doubt 100% worth it. While I have been out here, I have found a job which allows me the space to learn and create, a partner who cares deeply for me and our relationship, and have lived my dream of skiing nearly every weekend since I arrived.

My natural habit is one of high alert, constantly looking for the next problem to be fixed, because that is how I have grown up. However, I have been fortunate enough to realise that these behaviours are a product of my environment, and not necessarily who I am. I have sifted through the myriad of learned behaviours and found myself again, so much so that I am able to see when I am being unreasonable and creating a problem to be fixed where none existed in the first place.

Be In The Now

Self-sabotaging is extremely detrimental, and something that I was acutely aware of when I came out here. This is my daily battle to stop trying to control everything, to look for problems where none exist, and to remind myself that life is happening right now, so none of the things I fear are actually happening at all! Life is unfolding as I spend my entire time preoccupied with what could happen, rather than what is happening.

The sadness I feel when I realise how much of my life has been spent like this is overwhelming, but I also feel total and utter joy at the realisation that there is another way to live; fully, authentically and in the present moment. These moments of clarity are when I am able to stop focusing on my fears, preoccupied with the past and future, and enjoy the present moment as I allow life to unfold in front of me.

It’s a vulnerable place to reside, but I have discovered that once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, life provides you with everything that you need, just when you need it.

Success ≠ Happiness

Today I got my exam results for the final stage of my ACCA exam paper, it was my fourth attempt at this blasted UK Advanced Tax paper, but I passed it! I usually receive a text message at midnight but I hadn’t updated my mobile number and so had to wait until 4am when the email came through. Needless to say I didn’t sleep until it came through.

I am now officially a qualified accountant, after 4 years of hard work and perseverance I have finally done it. I am going to sound so ungrateful now, and to be honest I’m not really sure how I’m feeling, but all of a sudden I’m very afraid and I am not sure I can handle the success of it – it’s too much pressure.

I keep thinking I’m not good enough, surely I am simply not good enough. I realise in my mind that I had written it off as something unattainable, and anyone who has it is a genius or a mastermind, and therefore that can’t be me. I know my view is warped; the exam is clearly doable and no one who takes it is a genius, they are just intelligent and have put in the hard graft, just as I have.

It has really shocked me how much I can’t seem to see myself with a realistic and positive light, I almost want someone to snap me out of it and wake me up because it’s too much for me to bear. I am used to pain and disappointment, to not being good enough and hiding behind the success of others.

I can feel myself wanting to self-sabotage, it’s like an addiction, an itch i need to scratch. I desperately don’t want to do that, I really want to enjoy my hard earned success and stop trying to ruin the good things that happen to me. I’m scared, of what I might do, or that this success isn’t as real or good as I perceived it to be. I feel like my version of reality is totally skewed.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, and last week he suggested that I see him twice a week again. I would if I could, but I am going to have to tell him that I can’t afford it at the moment. If I’m honest with myself, I am also scared to let him in anymore than I already have. He wants me to open up and let him in but I am petrified to do so. I don’t trust myself.

I feel so sad that this is how I feel about myself, that I don’t trust me and I don’t have any real faith in my abilities. I’m afraid that this blog will be rejected, seeing as I am starting to get external interest in it, all of a sudden it’s under scrutiny and I’m not sure that I am ready for that. It’s not even paid interest, but this is who I am. This blog is me, and so any rejection of my blog is another painful rejection of me.

I know that it was a risk starting my blog and opening it up to criticism and review, but I didn’t realise how I would feel when it actually started happening. It’s hard. It feels so precarious, and I want that release of someone putting me and my work down so that I can feel sorry for myself and wallow in my comfortable well of self pity.

Succeeding is hard. Achieving is hard. Getting what you thought you wanted is hard. It’s not that I don’t want these things, but I realise that they do not make me who I am, they do not make me happy. My happiness comes from feeling good about myself, not from external validation, but it’s so easy to forget that, especially when that’s where I am used to getting it.

Yes, it’s great that I passed my exam, but it doesn’t dictate my worth. It is also great that I have been asked to contribute to another blog and have had interest in my freelance services for the first time, but these too do not dictate my worth. I am not ready for these things yet, and I realise that I am still focused on my journey of self-discovery rather than accelerating my career.

I want to go to New Zealand and work on the ski slopes for a while, I want to travel around and work on farms, in bars and offices and keep learning about myself and the world. I don’t feel confident enough in my abilities just yet, and I don’t think these things are going to make me happy. I think following my heart and passion is the key to happiness.